What happens when the man leading the church loses his own intimacy with Christ?
It is a question most people never think to ask. Pastors are supposed to have it together. They are the ones others come to in crisis, in grief, in confusion. They are the shepherds. The teachers. The leaders of the flock.
But who is leading them?
I recently joined Joy Suzanne Hunt on her podcast for one of the most important conversations I have had—a direct, honest look at the hidden struggles of ministry leaders and why asking for help may be the most courageous thing a pastor can do.
THE MOMENT THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR ME
I know what it feels like to be doing all the right things on the outside while something essential is quietly eroding on the inside.
My own turning point came at a men’s retreat, a moment I did not plan and could not have manufactured. It was there, away from the noise and the responsibilities and the performance of having it all together, that I encountered real intimacy with Christ. Not a ministry about Christ. Not active for Christ. Actual closeness with Him.
That breakthrough became the foundation of True Man Life Coaching. And it also gave me eyes to see a pattern I now recognize everywhere, especially in the lives of ministry leaders who are so consumed with doing church that they have quietly stopped experiencing God.
THE HIDDEN COST OF LEADING IN SILENCE
Pastors carry a weight most people in their congregations never see.
The pressure to have answers. The expectation of emotional steadiness regardless of what is happening in their own marriages, their own families, their own interior lives. There is a quiet but constant message that a spiritual leader should not need what he is telling everyone else they need.
That pressure does not produce stronger leaders. It produces men who bury their pain, perform their faith, and slowly drift from the very intimacy with Christ that called them into ministry in the first place.
Joy and I talked honestly about the danger of “fake it until you make it” in a pastoral context. When a leader models performance over authenticity, the congregation learns that too. The cost is not just personal. It ripples through families, through church culture, and through the next generation watching to see if the faith being preached is real enough to sustain a man under actual pressure.
WHAT WE COVERED
We went deep on several realities that ministry leaders rarely get to speak honestly about.
We talked about the difference between belief in Christ and relationship with Christ—and how a pastor can lose genuine intimacy while still doing all the work of ministry. Activity is not the same as closeness. Busyness in the kingdom is not the same as walking with the king.
We talked about why men struggle to show emotion and ask for help — and why that struggle is amplified for pastors who feel the weight of modeling strength for everyone around them.
We talked about building margin as a non-negotiable—because a leader running on empty cannot pour into others, no matter how gifted or called he is. Rest, solitude, community, and honest self-assessment are not luxuries. They are the infrastructure of sustainable leadership.
We talked about ego and pride as the silent barriers that prevent leaders from getting the help they need—and how the inner voice that says you’re supposed to have all the answers is not wisdom. It is isolation dressed up as leadership.
And we talked about what Gen Z and Millennials are actually looking for from the church — because the younger generations are hungry for answers, and they are watching closely to see if the men leading from the front are willing to be real. Authenticity is not a generational preference. It is a prerequisite for trust.
FOR THE PASTOR READING THIS
If you are in ministry and you are carrying more than you were built to carry alone, this conversation is for you.
Not because it has a program or a formula. But because naming what is actually true is always the first step. And you deserve the same grace and support you spend your life pointing everyone else toward.
Asking for help is not a failure of faith. For a leader, it may be the most faithful thing you can do.
WATCH & LISTEN
🌐 Full Episode Page: pastorsandmoney.com
🎧 Apple Podcasts: Listen on Apple Podcasts
🎧 Spotify: Listen on Spotify
Mike Van Pelt is the founder of True Man Life Coaching — Christian Men’s Coach, Speaker, Author, and host of the True Man Podcast. He helps men in leadership — including ministry leaders — break isolation, reclaim intimacy with God, and lead with authenticity in every area of life. Learn more at truemanlifecoaching.com.